i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
