I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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