I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
