my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
