My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
