is your mom at the bar?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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