She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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