sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize