2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My pussy is not your playground.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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