Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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