I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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