i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
