Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
