I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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