I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
