I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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