My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
