my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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