hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
