would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
