Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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