alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
