my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
