what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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