my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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