Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
