i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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