Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
They took my balls.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
