The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
