i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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