i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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