before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
