does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
