I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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