He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
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