Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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