I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
