I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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