I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
