I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
