if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
