He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
