It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
