I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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