I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
