I need to stop coming to work sober
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
