I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
