I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
