My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
