She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
