I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
