I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
