I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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