Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
