your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
My cat gives me a boner
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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