I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
