How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Randomize
