he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
